Onward

Chemo is over!  I am still pulling confetti out of my purse and it was over two weeks ago.  It was certainly a long road, but I'm feeling great and ready to move on to the next step -- radiation!  I had my first zap yesterday.  It breezed by with no incident.  It's kind of weird -- this is the first time in my second cancer journey that I'm receiving treatment I haven't had before.  I'm told the side effects are tolerable, just fatigue and skin irritation.  Here's hoping it's not bad and whizzes by! 

For a Minute There I Lost Myself

Whew -- since my last update (real update, I mean) much has happened.  I sailed through my first cocktail of chemo drugs called AC.  It wasn't fun by any stretch, but it was amazing how much easier this experience was compared to my last one.  If anti-nausea drugs can improve so greatly in five years, just think of what other medical advances are right around the corner.  I started another drug, Taxol, in April and was scheduled to finished on June 18th.  Until....

You may remember me mentioning my art bra for the GRAPHIC IV event for the BCRC.  I was very lucky (no really, really lucky) to be chosen as a model for the big runway show to show off my handiwork.  I was having a great time chatting with friends, getting prettied and practicing my walk.  I felt as normal as I could with having chemo the day before.  I remember the event pretty well until the point when we had to line up for the show. Then, I awoke in ICU at Seton Medical Center. Huh? WTF? What happened?  

Apparently, a lot, I'm told.  During my runway debut, I took a seat on the runway and passed out.  Then, my heart stopped working normally.  Lucky for me, this happened in front of my doctors.  CPR, a couple of shocks to the heart (oooh....would "Shot to the Heart" been a better title/song reference for this post?), an ambulance ride and some time in the ER later, I came back from the brink.   I am so very thankful that I don't remember anything.  

I spent a couple of days in the hospital.  After tests and many visits from doctors (Many of them found my husband's new iPad more interesting than my case...initially, at least.), no one is really sure why this happened.  My heart is normal by all accounts.  It just seems that there is something wrong with the electrical system that was perhaps set off by a bunch of factors that were going on that evening.  But we will never know for sure why this happened, which is extremely frustrating. So, I had an internal cardiac defibrillator put in under my pec muscle near my collar bone.  If my heart starts misbehaving, it will get a little shock to get to back to normal.  

So now not only am I a two-time breast cancer survivor, I'm a sudden cardiac arrest survivor too.  Hmmmm...I'm not sure how I feel about this exactly.  But, one this is for sure, I feel extremely lucky and blessed to be here right now.  Things could have been worse.  

I've been contemplating gratitude a lot lately.  And while I will save those thoughts for another post, I do want to say how grateful I am to all the people that helped that night.  Thank you just doesn't seem adequate.  

Here are a couple of articles about the event.

http://boss.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/27/are-you-doing-what-you-truly-love/

http://www.statesman.com/blogs/content/shared-gen/blogs/austin/charity/entries/2010/05/24/graphic_iv_model_stable_expect.html

My Support System

Cross-post from Pretty Bird Press: 

Finally! I have finished my art bra for this year's GRAPHIC IV.  I think that it turned out really well.  The title is "My Support System."  So, here's the story behind this bra.  In my former life, I was a book artist.  I thought that a book would be the perfect thing to make into a bra for this event.  After my second breast cancer diagnosis, I received many cards from friends, family and even strangers (thank you, all!).  I kept every card and used them to create the book part of the bra.  Since I had to have my implant removed, I'm flat on my right side.  The book in this bra creates a breast shape.  The rest of the bra is made of paper.  I hope you like it. I do! 

Hat Tree

My necklace tree has become my hat tree.

And You Will Know Me by the Trail of Hair

I try not to dwell on this beautiful mane of hair that I had last month.  Instead, I'm focusing on killing microscopic cancer cells and the new, cute curly hair I'll have in a couple of months.  There's a point a couple of weeks after your first chemotherapy treatment when you think, "Maybe I won't lose my hair after all.  Maybe I will be one of those chosen few who gets to keep their hair."  Alas, as soon as you let this thought enter your mind, you begin shedding.  At first, it's mild and not too bad.  Then, a trail of dead hair follows you wherever you go.  I wanted to keep my hair for a meeting that I had coming up at work.  So, I carefully tended to it and managed the trail as best I could.  I was really worried there for a moment when gusty winds moved into Austin just days before my meeting.  Thankfully, it didn't do much damage.  I held on to my hair for as long as I could, and when I returned to Austin from my meeting in Fort Davis, Matt took the clippers and did what good husbands do -- made me bald.  Well, I'm not technically bald. I have a fine layer of soft fuzz that one co-worker likened to her baby's head.  So, now I'm sporting hats. I'm not much of a wig person.  

In other news, I had my second chemotherapy treatment a week ago.  I'm finally starting to feel somewhat normal again.  I look forward to another week and half of this feeling until I have to go in again.  I will be finished with this chemo cocktail nicknamed "AC" on March 11th.  It will be a good day!  AC is the worst chemo that I will do and the next round called Taxol is not bad at all.  I've heard from several people that people on this particular regimen (12 weekly infusions) start growing their hair back!  This is an exciting prospect indeed!

Hello old friend. So we meet again.

Well, I'm about to head to my first of 16 chemotherapy sessions. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to it.  Actually, the infusion part isn't bad at all.  It's about an hour after you get home that all the fun begins. I decided while back that I will not have any expectations on how this will go based on my previous experience. I am hopeful that it won't be as bad,  but I am prepared for an evening full of restlessness and puking.  I'm lucky to have my dear husband and my sweet mother to care for me in addition to my fuzzy medical team: Hurley, Frances, Iris and Orzo.  After all my surgeries, Hurley was so attentive to me that he earned the new nickname, Nurse Puppy.  I look forward to his snugs.

I have a mix of emotions right now.  I think that they can be best expressed in this classic viral video, David After the Dentist.  There's something about all those existential questions that I can really relate to. Please enjoy:

As we venture over to the oncology office, I will be listening to my "let's get fired up about chemo" song courtesy of Of Montreal.  Please enjoy this too and maybe do a little dance.

http://popup.lala.com/popup/360569462355264734

Tweeting Titties

Hmm...I'm sure this will end up in some spam filter or something.  Anyways, I've created a Twitter account for The Tit Offensive. I thought it might be fun to live blog/complain/make jokes whilst in the chemo chair.  So, please follow the Tit O on Twitter.

Kids on ice - oh, so nice!

Well, it seems that it's been quite a while since my last post and a lot has happened since then.  We are the proud parents of five kidsicles!!  That is, five frozen embryos for future use.  

Ok, so here's the back story.  For most women, estrogen is a great thing.  It is, at it's core, what makes us women, right?  However, for me and many other women with breast cancer, estrogen is trying to kill me.  While I enjoy the benefits of estrogen such as soft skin and healthy bones,  I'm pretty sure I'd rather be alive with dry skin and brittle bones. So, my doctor has decided that what's best for me is to remove my ovaries tubes at some point during this process.  That means that my ability to procreate naturally isn't an option.  So, we decided to go forward with in-vitro fertilization so that we have the option to have biological children one day.  Lucky for us, we received a scholarship from Fertile Hope to help with the costs.  Thank you, LAF!

The IVF process wasn't bad at all.  I'm not sure if it's because what I've already been through or if it was just easy for me.  Those stories of massive bloating, uncontrollable mood swings and painful injections were mere legends to me.  The most annoying part was having to get up every day at 7:30 AM to inject myself with drugs not the injecting part itself.  The needles were so thin that the shots were nearly painless.  The actual procedure involved sedatives so it was quite fun.  

I was a little bummed at first that I couldn't use my birth and pregnancy story to guilt my future children, but after all the annoyances of needles, vaginal sonograms (oops, is that TMI?), the financial burdens and all this cancer business, I'm pretty sure I have plenty of ammo to guilt our children into making their beds and doing their homework.  

Next stop...chemotherapy!

Cancer 2.0

Well, FUCK (the only appropriate word really). So, I certainly never wanted to have to write this post, but here I am, over five years after my initial breast cancer diagnosis, with a second diagnosis. Back in September, I noticed a lump on top of my reconstructed breast. After many tests and a surgical biopsy, I learned that I had breast cancer....AGAIN! It's unclear at this point whether or not this is a recurrence of the old cancer or a brand new one. Either way, it sucks....really, really hard.

The past month has been full of tests, scans and doctor visits. I am happy to say that there is no evidence of cancer anywhere in my body and three surgeries resulted in clear margins and the removal of all the cancer in my breast (along with the implant -- I'm totally uniboobing it right now. It's pretty effing awesome).

I really considered not blogging about cancer this time around, but I thought that it would be cathartic and a great way to keep people in the loop of my treatments and musings on stuff. So in the coming days I plan to share my treatment plan and other fun things like injecting myself every single day for the next three weeks in the hope to create some kidsicles. So, come by often or subscribe to my feed. And, if you'd like to read about more fun stuff like crafting or puppies and kitties, be sure to check out the Pretty Bird Press.

Much love,
Sarah

My New Blog

Hi, friends. I wanted to let you know that I have a new blog called the Pretty Bird Press. Since I don't have much to say about cancer these days, I decided to start a different blog that covers my crafty pursuits and other bits of my life. I may occasionally post here, so continue to check back. In the meantime, mosey on down to the Pretty Bird Press.

What happened to the Tit O?

Unfortunately, this blog was a victim of Satan's wrath. No really, the server in which the style sheet was on shut down on 6/6/06 and the design for the blog was lost forever, sigh. So, I am going to take some time to think about what I should do with this blog. On one hand, I'd like to keep it going because I think that it can help other young ladies. On the other hand, I'd like to put all this cancer stuff behind me. I am thinking of starting another blog just about me and what I'm up to and continue to update the Tit O with news and other cancer-related items. Input? Ideas?

In other news, the term is over essentially. I have two papers and an exam remaining. I also got some really great news last week: I received a full-year assistantship next year. What does that mean exactly? Well, I don't have to pay tuition and will receive a monthly stipend and health insurance (you can never have too much of that).

Monday, June 19th I leave for Barcelona, Spain for a week before heading to an abandon Northern Italian village for four weeks. I'm super excited. I am going to try to post pictures, so check back. After the program is over, my friend Erica and I have a week to explore before we head back to the states. We're thinking about going to Croatia. Anyone been there?

And, once I return, I will have only one month to wrap up the remaining wedding details! I can't believe it is so close.

Must...Continue....Writing....

Oh my gosh! I've never written so much in my life! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I am trying to complete a 15 page research paper that is due Monday. Hopefully, I will still be able to write by then so that I can update you on the following: Young Survival Coalition conference in Denver, Spring Break in New Orleans, and Italy this summer.

Back to typing my fingers to the bone,
Sarah

An Experiment

So, as many of you know, I have a pervert problem. I guess I should have expected a problem such as this running a site about boobies. However, it's just gotten out of hand. I don't know that anyone who visits this site anymore is looking for information on breast cancer or updates about me, for that matter. So, I have removed the image that is getting all the perverted hits. Hopefully, I can limit this problem. Currently, I average about 50-60 hits a day. Now that I've removed the image of desire, I am curious how the volume will change. I will keep a note in the comments of this post if you're curious.

If you're actually here to because you have question about breast cancer, if you're checking on me or if you're a not pervert, drop me a comment. I'd love to hear from you! And, what the hell, if you're a pervert drop me a note too!

Sarah

Matt and I are famous!

Well, not really. But, we were on TV! See if you can spot us in a sea of orange and black (we're the ones in the red and black). It was a fun game and great to see some Bulldogs...but we lost.

Did you find us?

What died on your head?

I know what you're thinking: That hideous monster has to be a wig. Sadly, it is my real hair.

Now, we all know the perils of breast cancer: excruciating treatment, body-altering surgeries and constant fear of recurrence. But, no one ever talks about the hair. I know it's horrible to talk about, much less witness on a daily basis (poor Matt). However, we must talk about this! When your hair grows back after chemo, it comes back CURLY. I don't mean cute, Sarah Jessica Parker curly. No, more like Napoleon Dynamite curly!

What else must I endure? When will my life (and my hair) it go back to normal?

Check your boobies...with your friends!

Last night I was watching a local (well, it was Seattle) news special about breast cancer. They featured a woman who created an organization called "Check your Boobies." She is a breast cancer survivor and an advocate for BSEs (Breast Self Examinations). Additionally, she organizes Boobie Parties! What could be more fun than a boobie party?! I encourage you to check out her web site (FYI, this site does have a bare boobie on it...just in case you're at work) to learn more about this organization and, perhaps, get some tips on organizing your own boobie party. They even have a monthly BSE reminder email that you can sign up for. I encourage all you ladies that still have your boobies to sign up for this email service. It might just save your life!

Here's an interesting article about the excess of breast cancer products. Note: you may have to watch a commercial to view the article but it's totally worth it. Thanks to Matt for sending it my way.

Heaven's pools are.......Empty?

I don't know if any of you recall my "Life's Joys" post from last year regarding cheese dip. I naively made the assumption that cheese dip is a staple in every Mexican restaurant from coast to coast. Unfortunately, I learned that I was horribly wrong! Matt and I have been to countless Mexican restaurants in Oregon, and we have yet to visit one that offers cheese dip on the menu. What's more, none of my new friends (they are from all over the country, but not the South) have never heard of cheese dip. They think that I am talking about the pump cheese you find at the movies. And they also think that I am quite crazy to be obsessing about liquid white cheese. So, if anyone out there lives in the Pacific Northwest and knows where I can find some cheese dip, PLEASE let me know. I am going through withdrawals here!

On a side note, I was happy to learn that I am not the only person obsessed with cheese dip. I found this very informative web site regarding the subject. Enjoy!

Since October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month (BCAM) there is a deluge of everything breast cancer. Personally, I find the breast cancer awareness toilet tissue a bit excessive. I mean, if toilet tissue is going to raise cancer awareness, shouldn't it be for colon cancer? Just a thought. Anyways, there's a lot of merchandise out there. If you decide to do some purchasing, please do your homework to ensure your hard-earned money is being used appropriately.

However, one great thing about BCAM is the stories that run in the national magazines. I have received two in particular that are quite moving in their own ways.

The first is a photo essay about one women's journey with BC, particularly with her mastectomies and reconstruction. If any of you have ever wondered what that was really like, this essay will give you some good insights.



Secondly, if you'd like to bear all for breast cancer, consider contributing a photograph to the 4th Annual Blogger Boobie-Thon. Everyone can participate, even the fellas (see below).



Thanks to Melinda and Matt for the links!

Enjoy BCAM and check your girls, girls!

Update

Hello, friends!

Since I cannot think of any clever breast cancer related posts at the moment, I thought that I'd give everyone an update.

The field school that I went to last week was great! I learned a lot and got my mind off of everything breast cancer for a change. As soon as I get pics I will post them.

I am starting school for serious tomorrow! Wish me luck. I hope that the writing skills that I have fine tuned over the past year here will allow me to be an exceptional graduate student and stellar research paper writer :) I am also leaving for Portland, OR after class tomorrow for the National Trust for Historic Preservation conference.

My hair is insanely curly and somewhat long. I promise that a picture, along with one of the girls, is forthcoming.

I hope that everyone is doing well. I miss all you Georgians and still rely on everyone's wonderful comments to keep me going (so, keep 'em coming). I have found that the post treatment period of cancer is the hardest....more on that later.

Love,
Sarah